Don’t be embarrassed…hearts just have their own brain!

So in high school, I met a guy my senior year before prom (so  that was in May) and by mid February I was married! Well by the end of February I was separated! And it wasn’t that I didn’t take marriage seriously; it was just that I wasn’t prepared to deal with one thing for the rest of my life. I wasn’t fully committed on top of the fact that I had stretched myself thin with compromises. I was too young to understand the definition of a “rebound” and even though that guy had great potential, he was just a filler for the broken heart I had before him. Isn’t it funny how they say “you can’t help who you love”?? I mean I never understood that until recently. Sure, you can have standards, you can picture everything that someone is suppose to do for you, to you, with and around you and STILL fall in love with a complete stranger! At 17 I was wise beyond my years and yet still dumb as a donkey’s ass! (Lol) I thought I had it all figured out; get married, have a baby, go to school, get my degree and live happily ever after. Life was going to be easy for me. My high school sweetheart had broke my heart and I just knew the next guy that swept me off my feet was taking me to the moon. Until one day, I come over and find another female laying in the bed I had just left less than 24 hrs before. Well needless to say, 3 months later I still got married. Why? Because, I had already convinced myself that this person was the person I had to spend the rest of my life with. I had overlooked all the previous signs and even the sign that jumped out that bed and ran up the steps and out the door! Of course I was mad, I cried and then I picked myself up and forgave and moved on. The problem is that I never realized I was already stretched too thin. I tell that story because that was the FIRST time I played a fool to my own common sense. Two relationships later, the men had changed, maybe even slightly upgraded (SLIGHTLY) but I was still the same. They say God will allow the same problem to reoccur until you get it right. So I had the same devil, different demon time after time. I say that the heart has its own brain because no matter what your common sense says, your heart wants to think for itself. That is the place where everybody has potential, everybody can change, and everybody has some good in them. That is the place where all your dreams are created from and even though your mind will be logical enough to realize that these things don’t hold true for the masses, your heart will give chance after chance because it was created to feel and want to be felt. Anybody saying they are cold blooded or acting like they have never been dumb for a person is either 1) lying or 2) hasn’t met that person to be dumb for. I won’t say I was perfect and I also won’t pretend I wasn’t on the other side before as well but what I will admit to is I have been a fool on more than one occasion. But I have learned something from every one of them and I took something from those experiences with me to the next one. I don’t believe that you shouldn’t bring your experiences with you to the next relationship. Those experiences are what will help your brain to remind your heart’s brain of the hurt and the pain it once felt. I am not saying don’t love again, trust again; but keep those experiences close to your heart so that you will guard yourself better. Anyone not willing to be patient enough to wait for that guard to come down does not value your heart in the first place. After all, if you do not guard your heart, who is there to pick up the pieces with you when it gets broken because someone decided to drop it and forget it? Surely not the people calling you bitter with trust issues. They look from a distance and just say “don’t let that stop you from loving”. I’m no punk but a heart break was worse than child birth! Child birth was over and done, but a broken heart followed me for quite some time and although I am open to love and always will be, I will not let myself be so open to where I allow any and everything to access my personal space again. At least without having SOME type of surety that they can be trusted. I wear my feelings and my heart on my sleeve which allows me to always be able to give people the initial benefit of the doubt. What I now pay attention to are those flags I see in the beginning that I would have once ignored. Even if they don’t get acted on right away, they never go unnoticed. Guard your heart without letting it stop beating. Everyone wants love; whether they believe they will actually get it determines how they move on.

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